• Gain some personal independence
  • This one kinda contradicts the first one but I still would like to get my first kiss out of the way
  • Devote all my time and effort on singing, If I really am going to pursue this as a career I need to start buckling down and getting my foot in the door.
  • This one is the most important to me, come out to my parents (yet again).

I wanna talk about the last one for a second. Since my freshman year I have been on this rocky, uncomfortable, and silent road with my parents about my sexuality. I don’t want them to be in denial about this. I want them to be the kind of parents that even though they absolutely despise the idea of homosexuality, to still treat me and love the same as they did prior to my self discovery. I don’t care if every response to a question my mother asks is “I’m gay” I’m getting my point across. This is the breaking point, I’ll be out of the house in a few months and I would love it for them to be there for me as parents and for me not to recognize them as “the strangers that gave my life”. 2013 shall be my fabulous red carpet exit from the 4ft x 4ft closet once more.

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I honestly wanted nothing more but to be with you tonight. To experience my first kiss. To get that and my first New Years kiss out of the way at the same time. But you couldn’t respond to a simple text message. I don’t know why but all of a sudden I’ve been hit with this cloud of depression. Out of the 3,670 songs I have on command to listen to, I haven’t found one that fits to how I feel. It really fucking sucks because all I ever want from guys are the simplest of things but I don’t ever get that. It’s gotten so bad over these past 6 years of getting absolutely nowhere with my own gender that I constantly fixate on a life where I was born attracted to females. How pretty my first girlfriend would be, how much love I felt for the one I gave my virginity to, the woman I’d choose to honor my life with the title of being my wife, everyday I’m imaging this life and what could’ve been.

I really need to learn how to be independent. To not rely on some guy I’d walk by on the street to turn around and stare at me until he chased me down and told me how captivated he was just by that first glance. I’m such a fucking teenage girl when it comes to these things and I can’t stand that about myself.

2013 will be the year I stand on my own two feet and face the world with all the pride and courage I posses in my being, whether it be with a love interest on my arm or not.

3

So while my next episode of Will & Grace loads here goes:

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I had high hopes for this.

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(I was bored and in a songwriting mood. My friend Janet gave me the idea to write about her and Harry Styles. I know how much she loves him so I wrote this basically in a viewpoint of a guest at her wedding. I’m weird, but I think this is soo cute.)

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Here you go:

It’s despicable.

My words crushed thin at one with the concrete.

Before they got to you,

no chance,

quick defeat.

No time for listening,

murdered one inch from your ear.

No time for thinking,

all thoughts of holding on disappear.

Words drifting away when the wind has blown.

Hearts pleading to stay in the world of unknown.

Your world of wonders I’ll never see again.

Fragments that remain I’ll die to defend.

A non-believer,

praying for reconciliation.

Stuck in a bare moment of anticipation.

The day will come when the roles are reversed,

and I’ll preach all the words I’ve dared to rehearse.

Tumblr won’t let me make it all fancy like anymore. :( anywho I’m still a bit skeptical with the ending, but whatevs. Just wanted to have some new stuff up.

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I’m not like normal guys. I’m not gonna stand back and watch you fall over me and my intense amount of “swag”. Someone like you should never have the thought of pursuing another. I’m honestly surprised you don’t have potential suitors lining up at your door. I guess I’m the only one smart enough to see the beauty and all that you have in store. It’s driving me crazy, letting you wonder the world alone without our hands intertwined. How could this world be so cold as to let one of it’s prime jewels shine alone. It’s a crime. I want nothing more than to be that guy that makes you smile. To be that guy to wish you a good night at the end of the day so that you’d dream of me saying “I love you” and have it replay in your head. To be that guy that wants you to have nothing but the best in life, but even the best wouldn’t be enough to show my feelings. To be the romeo in a love that’s been forbidden by one too many. To be yours. A title I’d proudly take to my grave.

It’s all I ever want in this life I live. Obstacles don’t stand a chance against my determination. A mile, a county line, a country border, or an ocean could be standing between us, but it wouldn’t even matter. I’d sail the ocean blue for a chance to get next to you. And even when that happens I’d still be on my toes, those beautiful eyes seem to have that effect on me.

So say yes, when I ask you that important question. A question that determines our fate, whether we’ll live life as separate individuals, or as one eternally. All I need are those three little letters from you, and before your eyes, I guarantee with my life, that your dreams will come true.

Will you be mine?

- Yours truly, Taylor”

Good for an opening for a book? or no? :|

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Dear You,

Oh fuck where do I start. ._.

You are one incredible guy and I say this because I can’t really think of an actual word that describes you. We have so much in common and the things we don’t have It makes me wanna try so hard to like those things just so I would shine brighter in your eyes. I’m guessing by now you figured out that I like you. I mean, I like you a lot. It’s honestly insane, and kinda funny how it came to be. First time I stumbled on to your blog I never expected to fall so quickly. I read your bio and just thought to myself “Oh my god, this guy is perfect”. I’ve really never thought that about a guy before, well that wasn’t a celebrity, but oh god dude, you’re everything I want in a guy. Taller than me which is so fucking hard to find, in love with music like I am, you’re ability to play piano is just a home run for me, but what really brought it home was the fact that you’re another writer. I fucking love that about you, and the fact that you’re stunning at it shocked the hell out of me. Honestly, when I went to read your writing for the first time I was soo hoping that you sucked. I didn’t wanna have another reason to like you but I was so wrong. It’s fucking crazy how bad I want you. I’ve really never felt this way about a guy. I’ve never had this feeling where I want to do nothing but talk to someone. I’ve never had someone on my mind constantly. I’ve never had someone living inside my dreams every night since I’ve met them. You changed all that. The little times when we talk I feel like I’m on cloud 9. I literally act like a 12 year old girl that was just kissed for the first time. You caused all that and It’s so new for me.

I wish we lived in the same area and not on opposite ends of the country, cause I swear to god if you lived anywhere near me I would go to the ends of the earth to try and make you mine. Even though you’re more of a romantic than I am, I would try my hardest to flatter you in some way.

I love the fact that you wanna go to college in New York like I do. Just knowing that really makes me wanna strive to get into NYU so I could see you. It kinda gives me something to look forward to in the future. Plus you did say if we were both single by the time we were both in NY we would go on a date. You don’t know how much I really want that to happen. My only concern is that you won’t be available by the time that comes around. You’re posting all these things about you going on dates and kissing other guys and it’s killing me, cause I like you so much. I hate that I’m doing this right now but I really can’t stand another minute of you not knowing how I feel. I also hate how this letter sounds. I feel like I’m putting too much into it, but at the same time it’s appropriate because it’s how I feel. I dunno. I’m a weird kid. >_< I just don’t wanna scare you off.

But if you don’t feel anything at all towards me, try and let me down easily? please. It’s bad enough that you’ll be rejecting me, but at least the scar won’t be as deep if you do it in a positive way. I know I’m probably asking for too much here, long distance relationships are rough, but in my eyes, no one else is worth it. I’d try and make it work because I’d be with you emotionally, even though I love the little physical things like kissing, hugging, or just simply touching the person, I figured you’re worth it. And it would be so much more special to do those things when we’re finally in the same area.

So yeah. I feel soo much better! OMFG! Get back to me when you can.

Sincerely,

Brandon

P.S. I honestly can’t sit through one Adele song without thinking about you. OMFG it’s nuts dude..

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I’m not gonna lie and say it doesn’t hurt

when you disappear into the arms of someone esle.

I’m trying to write more stuff so in a week or so my bestie can come over and help me compose something magical.

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(Look at the huge difference from this which is my most recent work, to Search and Destroy which was 2 years ago. I know, it went from “crap” to “magic”.)

[verse 1]

Never wanted this,

The end of your control

Never wanted bliss,

And your devoted soul.

You felt an emotion

Dimensions different from mine

Now I’m tongue tied,

Words in my throat they hide,

Thinking it’s not time,

To break your heart, it’s fine

To just carry on with this charade

Follow on the path that I already made, I’m

Getting closer but I never felt so far away

[chorus]

I’m just trying to say I’m sorry

Your love I’ve packed and returned

In a box that’s on it’s way,

a result from the lessons I’ve learned

I don’t want that bond,

We’ve formed to fade

But I can’t carry on

with this masquerade

And the box at your door

holds the man I portrayed

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